Emotional sideswipe, compliments of family. And a small victory
Apologies for my departure and obscurity.
The past few weeks have been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster, with a few wheels missing.
One of the primary issues revolves around siblings. As It says in the blog description, family issues are interesting.
My brother passed away in early August. He passed, the day I arrived at my mothers after being rescued from Mr. Personality.
We learned of his passing the next morning when one of my sisters stopped to chat with me.
My brother had been ill for many years, and he went on his terms in the end. As only he would want things. He and I, have had many discussions over the years of death, what happens, what we think happens, passing from this world was something we both knew would come eventually.
It wasn't a fascination with the macabre, it was more along the lines of a desire to understand things on a spiritual level.
Anyhow, so my brother Randy passed on, and I hope he was able to finally attain all the answers to all the questions he had over the years.
Knowing Randy had moved on, I was hurt. Yet at the same time. I was comforted knowing he was out of his discomfort and pain.
So as you can imagine, that was pretty hard for my Mom to handle. Losing a child has got too be the most horrific event. And my Mom has lost 4 children. 2 of them in the last 3 years. I cannot imagine what she was and still is going through.
If losing her son wasn't bad enough, on the very same day, just later in the afternoon, my mothers landlord of 14 years, stopped to drop of a notice that she had 30 days to move, as the house was being sold.
Crushing world around my Mom.
My Mom just turned 82 last month. She has lived on the same street for over 40 years. When our family home burned down in 03, she rented a small house across the street.
Unlike some of her children (gave birth to 11, 7 of us are living)Mom didn't inherit the wondering gypsy bug. So looking for housing is hard enough, but looking for housing in this day and age is nothing short of a nightmare. Finding a place that's safe, clean and pet friendly, is almost as difficult as locating the Ark.
Now add on siblings that are so filled with anger, shame and hate for their childhood, and well things progress into a shit show pretty quickly.
I stayed with Mom for the 30 days until she had to move. And I was daily shocked at the emotional and verbal abuse my Mother endured.
Look, no one has a perfect childhood. We all have stuff. And yet, we all get to grow up and carry on.
Well, most of us.
I tried to defend my Mother as much as I was able. However, often Mom made excuses for the treatment, because she doesn't want the kids upset with her.
Talk about a vicious cycle. And Vicious it is. My struggle is I was raised to respect and honor my parents. I love my Mother very much, and while we did have a trying childhood. I've learned over the years about some of the reasons and causes for the basic human behavior. It wasn't easy. But I learned. And I feel I'm the better for it. In every corner of the globe,and throughout history, Mothers are sacred.
What started my little avoidance of things a few weeks ago, was an encounter with one of my siblings, a sister. I had to meet with her so she could return something to me. There was not alot of time as Sarah was driving me. But I wanted to let her know what was going on with my health. Last thing I wanted was to end up in Hospital or something and have them asking why they didn't know what was going on.
As I'm attempting to explain my condition, my sister is becoming more agitated. Asking what I have, and how I got it. I'm explaining that sometimes it's from injury, illness or such as my case, luck of the draw. But she wasn't listening. Again it was "Well what did you do to get like this? How could you have prevented it?"
"K, not listening. My condition can just happen. And as I'm learning more, I will need to see a doctor that specializes in the ANS, and frankly there isn't many of them around whom are familiar with the system."
"OK, but how do you know this? I mean how do you know what you have, if you haven't got a clean diagnosis.I don't understand. Is it your diet? Could you go on some medication?"
I left feeling completely confused. As if I'd done something to get ill. That was all my sister could keep coming back too.
Yes, a depression began at that point.
I started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. It's been helpful. I mean common, I'm dealing with a condition that will eventually force me into a wheelchair, or a coffin, that's an incredible reality to wrap my head around.
I have sat many times over the past few weeks and wondered how it is this condition get added to my plate. My brother and I have spent countless hours reading and talking with people over the years, and we have heard many times that before we are born, we chose our lives. Several cultures and religions believe a form of this event. Where before birth, we see what will transpire for us, and then we lose that knowledge at birth.
No one knows if this is true. We don't get those answers.
But if I signed up for this, I hope I knew what I was doing. My belief is we are here to learn and teach. And I'd enjoy doing more teaching.
I have had a small victory. My doctor has written a letter for me about my conditions, in hopes it will enable the state to approve me for Medicaid.
The diagnosis are as follows.
Autonomic Neuropathy
Polyneuropathy
Parasthesias
Orthostatic Hypotension
Sinus Tachycardia
Muscle weakness/Wasting
And all the fun that comes with each of those conditions.
I was able to contact The University of Utah Neurology Dept, and my doctor is sending them a referral. We both know it could be a few weeks or even months before I am able to get in.
However, the ball is rolling.
Research at the U involves MSA (Multiple system atrophy), PAF (Pure autonomic failure), and genetic neuropathy to name a few. They have some answers bouncing around up there on the hill somewhere.
The animals are all well. Virgil has been learning to walk in his harness. He was doing his own distorted interpretation of 'Ivar the Boneless',which meant flopping like a fish, everywhere in the caravan. However he is learning that's not very fun.So he has started to actually walk and move. Yesterday he walked with Brikita to the gate to see what loomed in the yard. And the other day, he did an emergency reverse and escape because Sarah walked out to visit him. He is so strange. By the time he figures it out, the snow will be belly deep and he will be hibernating with me.
Sugar is good. Nothing much changes for her. She is content as long as she has her bed, food and Mom. Course she does have to keep us all in line. Can't have Virgil acting up and demanding more attention.
Brikita and Gordita are happy dogs. However, Brikita has had to be separated from Sarah's dog Hickory. Hickory is all about run and chase things, such as chickens, cats, horses, her shadow. And Brikita was raised to be protective and not chase. Being raised in a carriage barn, and riding stable, she wasn't allowed to chase things, so now she is the police. There shall be no chasing of anything on Brikitas watch. After the last argument that involved both girls bleeding, we shut it down.
Gordi has been doing well. She has her little sweater for the evenings and mornings, then she enjoys her sun bathing in the late morning and afternoon. She has a spot here on the bench of the caravan, where she spends the evening while I read or watch stuff on Netflix.
Not much more to add right now. Still a bit off in all honesty.
However, as they say, "Brush yourself off, and get back on the horse"
The past few weeks have been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster, with a few wheels missing.
One of the primary issues revolves around siblings. As It says in the blog description, family issues are interesting.
My brother passed away in early August. He passed, the day I arrived at my mothers after being rescued from Mr. Personality.
We learned of his passing the next morning when one of my sisters stopped to chat with me.
My brother had been ill for many years, and he went on his terms in the end. As only he would want things. He and I, have had many discussions over the years of death, what happens, what we think happens, passing from this world was something we both knew would come eventually.
It wasn't a fascination with the macabre, it was more along the lines of a desire to understand things on a spiritual level.
Anyhow, so my brother Randy passed on, and I hope he was able to finally attain all the answers to all the questions he had over the years.
Knowing Randy had moved on, I was hurt. Yet at the same time. I was comforted knowing he was out of his discomfort and pain.
So as you can imagine, that was pretty hard for my Mom to handle. Losing a child has got too be the most horrific event. And my Mom has lost 4 children. 2 of them in the last 3 years. I cannot imagine what she was and still is going through.
If losing her son wasn't bad enough, on the very same day, just later in the afternoon, my mothers landlord of 14 years, stopped to drop of a notice that she had 30 days to move, as the house was being sold.
Crushing world around my Mom.
My Mom just turned 82 last month. She has lived on the same street for over 40 years. When our family home burned down in 03, she rented a small house across the street.
Unlike some of her children (gave birth to 11, 7 of us are living)Mom didn't inherit the wondering gypsy bug. So looking for housing is hard enough, but looking for housing in this day and age is nothing short of a nightmare. Finding a place that's safe, clean and pet friendly, is almost as difficult as locating the Ark.
Now add on siblings that are so filled with anger, shame and hate for their childhood, and well things progress into a shit show pretty quickly.
I stayed with Mom for the 30 days until she had to move. And I was daily shocked at the emotional and verbal abuse my Mother endured.
Look, no one has a perfect childhood. We all have stuff. And yet, we all get to grow up and carry on.
Well, most of us.
I tried to defend my Mother as much as I was able. However, often Mom made excuses for the treatment, because she doesn't want the kids upset with her.
Talk about a vicious cycle. And Vicious it is. My struggle is I was raised to respect and honor my parents. I love my Mother very much, and while we did have a trying childhood. I've learned over the years about some of the reasons and causes for the basic human behavior. It wasn't easy. But I learned. And I feel I'm the better for it. In every corner of the globe,and throughout history, Mothers are sacred.
What started my little avoidance of things a few weeks ago, was an encounter with one of my siblings, a sister. I had to meet with her so she could return something to me. There was not alot of time as Sarah was driving me. But I wanted to let her know what was going on with my health. Last thing I wanted was to end up in Hospital or something and have them asking why they didn't know what was going on.
As I'm attempting to explain my condition, my sister is becoming more agitated. Asking what I have, and how I got it. I'm explaining that sometimes it's from injury, illness or such as my case, luck of the draw. But she wasn't listening. Again it was "Well what did you do to get like this? How could you have prevented it?"
"K, not listening. My condition can just happen. And as I'm learning more, I will need to see a doctor that specializes in the ANS, and frankly there isn't many of them around whom are familiar with the system."
"OK, but how do you know this? I mean how do you know what you have, if you haven't got a clean diagnosis.I don't understand. Is it your diet? Could you go on some medication?"
I left feeling completely confused. As if I'd done something to get ill. That was all my sister could keep coming back too.
Yes, a depression began at that point.
I started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. It's been helpful. I mean common, I'm dealing with a condition that will eventually force me into a wheelchair, or a coffin, that's an incredible reality to wrap my head around.
I have sat many times over the past few weeks and wondered how it is this condition get added to my plate. My brother and I have spent countless hours reading and talking with people over the years, and we have heard many times that before we are born, we chose our lives. Several cultures and religions believe a form of this event. Where before birth, we see what will transpire for us, and then we lose that knowledge at birth.
No one knows if this is true. We don't get those answers.
But if I signed up for this, I hope I knew what I was doing. My belief is we are here to learn and teach. And I'd enjoy doing more teaching.
I have had a small victory. My doctor has written a letter for me about my conditions, in hopes it will enable the state to approve me for Medicaid.
The diagnosis are as follows.
Autonomic Neuropathy
Polyneuropathy
Parasthesias
Orthostatic Hypotension
Sinus Tachycardia
Muscle weakness/Wasting
And all the fun that comes with each of those conditions.
I was able to contact The University of Utah Neurology Dept, and my doctor is sending them a referral. We both know it could be a few weeks or even months before I am able to get in.
However, the ball is rolling.
Research at the U involves MSA (Multiple system atrophy), PAF (Pure autonomic failure), and genetic neuropathy to name a few. They have some answers bouncing around up there on the hill somewhere.
The animals are all well. Virgil has been learning to walk in his harness. He was doing his own distorted interpretation of 'Ivar the Boneless',which meant flopping like a fish, everywhere in the caravan. However he is learning that's not very fun.So he has started to actually walk and move. Yesterday he walked with Brikita to the gate to see what loomed in the yard. And the other day, he did an emergency reverse and escape because Sarah walked out to visit him. He is so strange. By the time he figures it out, the snow will be belly deep and he will be hibernating with me.
Sugar is good. Nothing much changes for her. She is content as long as she has her bed, food and Mom. Course she does have to keep us all in line. Can't have Virgil acting up and demanding more attention.
Brikita and Gordita are happy dogs. However, Brikita has had to be separated from Sarah's dog Hickory. Hickory is all about run and chase things, such as chickens, cats, horses, her shadow. And Brikita was raised to be protective and not chase. Being raised in a carriage barn, and riding stable, she wasn't allowed to chase things, so now she is the police. There shall be no chasing of anything on Brikitas watch. After the last argument that involved both girls bleeding, we shut it down.
Gordi has been doing well. She has her little sweater for the evenings and mornings, then she enjoys her sun bathing in the late morning and afternoon. She has a spot here on the bench of the caravan, where she spends the evening while I read or watch stuff on Netflix.
Not much more to add right now. Still a bit off in all honesty.
However, as they say, "Brush yourself off, and get back on the horse"
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